When Love Hurts: Understanding violence in LGBT relationships

Wee Lee first got in touch with me an hour after I posted an online appeal for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people in Singapore to contribute their personal stories. We decided to meet over drinks in Holland Village; I was half-expecting him to share his coming out story, and was not ready for some of the things he was about to tell me.

As an average-looking guy with an athletic build and broad smile, he didn’t look too different from other young men. Yet what I heard from him that night was to change my understanding of human endurance. You see, Wee Lee is a survivor of violence inflicted upon him by his gay partner.

As a gay man and a social worker, I thought I had seen it all.  Before this, my experience of family violence had been the kind between straight couples, or when someone vulnerable, such as a child, or an elderly or disabled person, is being mistreated by a family member. I had heard from someone else about a friend who was being beaten up by her lesbian partner; I think they lived in the US. All these cases of domestic violence, although real and tragic, seemed somewhat remote from my own life.

Still, just because we don’t hear or talk about something doesn’t make it non-existent. International research has shown that rates of violence in same-sex (gay and lesbian) relationships is very similar to rates of violence against women by their male partners – around 25% to 30%. This can only mean that same-sex partner violence happens right here in Singapore: to our neighbours, friends, colleagues and family members. Wee Lee was in a four-year relationship with his abusive partner Carl while they lived together in a flat near Ghim Moh.

What is partner violence?

Partner violence is about power and control; it happens when one partner intentionally exerts that power through behaviours that seek to control the other. It can happen to anyone, regardless of their social class, educational level, profession, gender and sexual orientation.

It can take many forms: physical and sexual attacks, emotional and psychological abuse, even financial exploitation. For same-sex couples, there is the threat of outing someone’s sexual orientation to others, such as family members or work colleagues. In relationships where one partner is transgender, abuse can take the form of threatening to embarrass their gender identity in the presence of others.

What prevents people from seeking help?

Yet there are probably as many barriers to seeking help as there are lesbians and gay men. Bryan Choong is centre manager of Oogachaga Counselling and Support, a non-profit agency that provides a range of professional counselling and support services for the LGBT community. He offers some common reasons why so few LGBT people in Singapore are seeking help for partner violence.

“In the gay community, there are many who do not believe that someone will be abused or hurt by a same-sex partner. Many think that it is always easier to walk out or fight back.”

There are victims who are afraid that by revealing their abusive experience, they are also exposing their sexual orientation and same-sex relationship to others. This has much to do with a general lack of awareness about partner violence in the LGBT community, which may also explain why many victims do not see the need to seek help, are unaware of where to go for support, or feel embarrassed to reach out.

It is a common misconception that it needs to be physical for it to be considered as abuse. “Sometimes, even the victims get confused with whether abuse is an acceptable part of their relationship, or they are just being too sensitive. For example, in cases of sexual violence, the abused partner may think it is just part of role-playing in bed,” explains Choong.

Serene Tan, a senior social worker with Care Corner Project START (Stop Abusive Relationships Together) which works with victims and perpetrators of family violence, adds on to the list of obstacles facing LGBT victims.

“The LGBT community is relatively small, and couples usually have a  common circle of close friends. They may feel that even if they are experiencing violence from their partners, their friends would not believe them or would not take their side. Hence they would choose to keep quiet. Some of them may also be isolated and do not have a good support network.”

Unfortunately, the current legal system in Singapore is also not helping. Section 377A of the Penal Code continues to criminalise consensual sex between adult men, and the same level of protection for married heterosexual couples is not available to committed same-sex couples. While a married man or woman can apply for a personal protection order from the Family Court against their abusive spouse or ex-spouse, a gay man or lesbian is not able to do the same. Instead, they can only report the offence to the police or take out a private summons against the abusive partner through the Subordinate Courts, which is a tedious process and offers a lower level of protection.

All these reasons serve as very real barriers that prevent a victim of LGBT violence from seeking help. Sadly, as part of Oogachaga’s ongoing outreach services through the Internet, Choong has made observations about responses from within the LGBT community.

“The understanding of this issue is so low… it is common to read in local forums that one should not be too ‘drama’ by claiming their partner is violent; or maybe one must have done something ‘wrong’ to deserve a violent treatment.”

Tan, whose professional experience includes working with same-sex as well as heterosexual couples in abusive relationships, adds,

“No one starts out with the intention to hurt their partner. However, they may lack the appropriate coping skills or effective communication skills to convey their needs to their partner, resulting in them using violence to obtain power and exert control.”

So how can WE help?

According to Tan, it is important that concerned family members and friends adopt different approaches toward helping victims and perpetrators.

For the abused victim:

• Assure them it is not their fault that their partner used violence on them
• Offer a listening ear
• Encourage them to talk to someone, such as a professional, to help with their issues
• Check in on them with regard to their safety
• Invite them to call you in case of an emergency
• Offer to call the police for help when there is danger

For the abusive perpetrator:

• Let them know that they should seek professional help with their issues
• Encourage them to work on using other ways of resolving their issues
• Provide a listening ear, but do not condone their abusive actions, or agree with what they are doing as being right.

In addition to Oogachaga’s hotline, email and counselling services for the LGBT community, those affected by partner violence can also contact Care Corner Family Service Centre (Queenstown) where Project START is based. However, according to its website, I noted that one of their key missions is “To base all activities on Christian values”. This statement may worry many in the LGBT community, since the traditional stand adopted by Christianity is to condemn homosexuality and transgenderism as “unnatural” and an “abomination”.

When I asked about this, Tan clarifies by saying,

“Although Care Corner is a Christian-based organization, we serve all clients in the community who are in need, regardless of their race, religion, socio-economic status or educational level, and provide the same level of service to people from all walks of life. We also follow the professional code of ethics and believe in seeing each person with their individual worth, regardless of their worldview, sexual orientation and the choices that they make. We also ensure that confidentiality is maintained, unless harm has been done to self or others.”

Additionally, Tan explains that at Project START, working with someone affected by partner violence means focussing on developing a safety plan together, so as to keep them safe, regardless of whether they wish to continue in the relationship. If a client chooses to stay in the relationship, they will invite the abusive partner to attend counselling sessions to work on using more effective ways of coping or communicating with one another.

To the wider LGBT community, Choong has this message:

“Under no circumstances should anyone have any reason to be emotionally, verbally, physically or sexually abusive to another person, even if they are in a relationship. If you are a victim, do not be afraid of seeking help or talking to someone who can support you.  If you are not in a violent relationship, arm yourself with knowledge on how and when to assist a friend who may need your help. “

We all know love can sometimes hurt, but it shouldn’t be in this way. LGBT partner violence is very real and occurring in Singapore. We need to keep talking about it so that it does not remain invisible.

*        *        *

What happened to Wee Lee?

Towards the end of my hour-long interview with Wee Lee, during which he also showed me the scar where he was stabbed by his partner’s knife, I was told that his relationship, and his ordeal, finally ended after four-and-a-half years.

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Oogachaga will be organising a community talk on intimate partner violence, entitled “When Love Hurts: Understanding violence in LGBT relationships”, on 29 September 2012, Saturday afternoon. For more details and online registration before 27 September, visit their website.

You can read Wee Lee’s full story, along with others, in the ebook.

10 things I learnt (part 3)

When I started out 3 years ago to collect stories for I Will Survive from gay men, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender people in Singapore, my primary intention was to bring together stories that could be shared and read by others. I was excited about embarking on the work as I knew what I wanted to do, yet at the same time unsure of how I would be received or perceived. Still, along the way, I somehow managed through and was humbly surprised to have learnt so much from the people I had met; old and new friends, acquaintances and interviewees who readily opened up to me their stories and their lives.

Here’s more of what they have taught me:

3. We have allies.

Reading the stories, it would be easy to imagine that many gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people in Singapore might view those outside the community with some discomfort and distrust.

Realising that these stories also needed to reach out to mainstream readers, I followed the advice of a publisher and invited a few gay-friendly, non-LGBT identified people to share their reflections on the LGBT communities in Singapore.

The choices were obvious, and there was not a moment’s hesitation from any of them to agree to contribute an essay when I approached them. Hence we have a Foreword from Mrs Juliana Toh, Executive Director from the Counselling and Care Centre; Reverend Yap Kim Hao, the retired Bishop of the Methodist Church in Singapore; and former Nominated Members of Parliament Ms Braema Mathi and Mr Siew Kum Hong. Additionally, I also approached Ms Leona Lo to share her personal and professional perspectives on transgenderism in Singapore.

2. It’s not just about coming out.

Despite having already come out to myself and others as a gay man, meeting these 21 ordinary people with their extraordinary stories has taught me that coming out is neither the start nor end of a journey. Although important, coming out is just a part of one’s whole identity. There are many ways to live life as a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender person in Singapore: young and old; Indian and Chinese; single and in a relationship; female and male; Malay and Caucasian; religious and non-religious; transgender and cisgender; Singaporean and non-Singaporean; with and without illness; closeted and out.

 There are just so many ways to BE.

1. The human spirit is indomitable.

How do you put up with months and years of bullying and abuse?

How does one live with a life-long illness?

How do you go on after losing someone you love?

How does one deal with being diagnosed with HIV as a teenager?

How do you cope with pressures from family and society to conform to certain roles, relationships and expectations?

What does one do after reeling back from a suicide attempt?

You survive.

Through their stories, all 21 contributors have shown themselves to be living examples of what people can go through and still thrive, unyielding. They are resilient; indeed it is harder to survive than die, and certainly requires more courage.

*     *     *

 “To survive is to win.” ~Zhang Yimou, Chinese film-maker

 “To survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche, 19^th century German philosopher

“The weak fall, but the strong will remain and never go under!” ~Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

“Extraordinary people survive under the most terrible circumstances and they become more extraordinary because of it.” ~Robertson Davies, 20^th century Canadian author

“Survival is the celebration of choosing life over death. We know we’re going to die. We all die. But survival is saying: perhaps not today. In that sense, survivors don’t defeat death, they come to terms with it.”~Laurence Gonzales, author of Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why

Read “10 things I learnt (part 1)”

Read “10 things I learnt (part 2)”

Find out more about the ebook.

10 things I learnt (part 2)

When I started out 3 years ago to collect stories for I Will Survive from gay men, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender people in Singapore, my primary intention was to bring together stories that could be shared and read by others. I was excited about embarking on the work as I knew what I wanted to do, yet at the same time unsure of how I would be received or perceived. Still, along the way, I somehow managed through and was humbly surprised to have learnt so much from the people I had met; old and new friends, acquaintances and interviewees who readily opened up to me their stories and their lives.

Here’s more of what they have taught me:

7. Sometimes emotional pain can be unbearable….

Self-harm and suicide were occurring themes in several of the stories. Some of those I met had actually attempted suicide: Lance’s painfully honest descriptions come to mind.

Yet others engaged in other forms of behaviours that were harmful to themselves: Wendi spoke of a girlfriend who was emotionally unstable and would often cut herself in order to keep her in the relationship. Bradley struggled with alcohol and recreational drug addiction, and Kavin was diagnosed with an eating disorder. One of my earliest interviews was with Tarry who had lost his boyfriend to suicide, a few days before the boyfriend’s birthday.

Numerous international studies have found a link between LGBT-identified persons and suicide, self-harming and other related-behaviours. Often, the pain can come from the realisation that one is of a different sexual or gender orientation, and also from facing struggles that are either directly associated with being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender (eg: relationships, family pressures, bullying) or other issues that are entirely unrelated to one’s sexual orientation or gender identity (eg: illness, coping with losses).

 6. But support and hope can come from the unlikeliest sources.

After coming out as bisexual in school, Kenny found himself at the receiving end of harassment by his schoolmates, and often ended up studying and having lunch alone. Surprisingly, the only people who offered him support and stood by him were his teachers, and even the principal . Those boys who were caught behaving inappropriately towards him were either disciplined or given warnings by the school.

Even as their lives felt as if everything was collapsing around them, leaving both Stefanie and Thomas at the end of all hope, standing at a high floor ready to jump, yet something inside told them to find the greater courage to live.

Elle, Luke and Ashraff each sought comfort in their respective faiths: Buddhism, Christianity and Islam, not in a dogmatic manner, but it in a way that was unique to them.

5. Trying to be normal can feel so abnormal.

What is “normal”?

Frances was brought up to think that “normal” meant having a boyfriend, even if there was little mutual trust and respect in the relationship. For Wee Lee, living with a physically and emotionally abusive partner seemed “normal” during the four years they were together. And how does one begin to define “normal” for Kris, who has lived half his life with bipolar disorder, or for Lester, who was diagnosed with HIV at the age of 18?

4. Being GLBT is an important part of life, but it’s not the only part.

Every one of the 21 persons I met had their own definitions of what it meant to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. But none allowed that to limit the various roles and responsibilities in lives.

Thomas, a gay man, continues to fulfil his role as a father to his children. Stefanie, a transgender woman, is still a parent to hers. Leng and Ashraff have full-time jobs helping people as professionals in the social service sector; likewise, Bradley, Luke and Lance are regular volunteers with different charitable organisations.

Read “10 things I learnt (part 1)”

Read “10 things I learnt (part 3)”