About

How it all began…

While on holiday in March 2009, I received a text message from a friend who informed that a young gay man we both knew had just killed himself a few days before his own birthday. It was extremely hard for me to know how to react to this shocking news, given my personal experience and professional background. As a gay man who had formerly contemplated suicide as a teen, and with my training in social work, it felt as if it was all coming a little too close to home.

Several hours before that I had come across and bought the book  “Crisis: 40 stories revealing the personal, social, and religious pain and trauma of growing up gay in America” by Mitchell Gold. By that night I had already decided to come up with something similar once I got home to Singapore. As I drew inspiration from those stories, I also emulated the widespread reach of the “It Gets Better Project” by Dan Savage and the “I’m From Driftwood”  blog by Nathan Manske. Perhaps this website and the book that’s been written are responses to the death of a gay youth, as well as the countless tragedies of others like him.

From experience, I knew that gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people, in addition to dealing with coming out and coming to terms with their own identities, also face numerous other issues in their everyday lives. I was curious to know how such individuals in Singapore coped and maybe even thrived amidst their personal crises.

Not everyone who responded to my appeal for stories was ready or able to share. Of those who were, I met up with them individually and invited them to talk with me through a loosely-structured interview that often became more like a candid conversation between two trusting strangers.

Despite the diversity of the stories and the backgrounds of the contributors, a common thread that stands out is the importance of human relationships in all their lives.  Whether it’s the existing bonds with people from our family of origin, and the strains that these endure over time; or the choices we make about whom we love, and how these then come to affect our own lives; no man, woman or transgender person is an island. None of us exists in a vacuum, and so we all lead lives that involve significance relationships with other people. All the stories describe relationships in their varied forms – with parents, siblings, partners, spouses, children, friends, colleagues, and even professionals. It is also very nature of these relationships that provide the enriching weave in the fabric of these stories. The ambivalent relationship between a mother and her gay son. The relief felt by a woman on receiving her sister’s support for her same-sex relationship. The pain of losing a boyfriend to suicide. A gay man’s sense of duty to his wife, coupled with his commitment to his children. A young woman’s transition to become a man, for the love of a girlfriend but without the support of their parents. The shame of living with an abusive partner. A gay teen’s gratitude for his school’s stand against homophobic bullies.

The stories here reflect some of the incredible diversity that exists within the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities in Singapore. Perhaps they are also the voices of a minority, but it’s a minority that is silently screaming for their personal stories to be heard. You may be able to relate to some of them, regardless of your sexual orientation. Other stories are more unusual in nature, describing situations you may not be familiar or comfortable with. Yet all the stories are from the heart, deeply moving and very real. They remind us of a sense of shared humanity, in their ability to evoke in us emotions like sorrow, anger, disappointment and joy, at the same time inviting us to recall the poignant universality of our own life experiences.

What it means to you the reader

As a reader you might be uncomfortable with the sombre tone of many of the personal stories. Or you might worry that perhaps sad queer stereotypes are again being perpetuated. But allow us, and the stories, to prove you wrong.

If you’re not lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, as you read the stories imagine what life might be like for you if you were. Put yourself in the place of a man whose marriage to a woman had broken down because all communication had ended.  All you can think about is finding someone else to love, with whom to spend the rest of your days, even if that person is another man.

Or accept our invitation to enter the world of a young woman, who has been reminded a countless number of times that she needed to grow your hair long, dress like a girl and marry a man, even as she hates her own body and wishes she were male instead.

Perhaps you can imagine being a gay teenager, struggling with depression, bullying in school, and rejection from your family. You turn to your religion, but you’re terrified because, according to what you’ve been told, you’re an abomination and a sinner.

If you’re someone who might identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, or still wondering about your own sexual orientation or gender identity, or someone also struggling with some difficult personal issues, know that you are not alone. You may be able to recognise or relate to certain threads in these stories, because they seem familiar to you. We hope you can draw strength from how each person behind every story has somehow managed to hold on. If you need additional help and support, also refer to the section on useful local resources.

To quote the visionary Harvey Milk,

“It’s about giving people out there hope. You’ve gotta give them hope.”

There is hope. We will not remain invisible forever. Like it or not, we will survive.

About the editor

Leow Yangfa is the editor of the website and the e-book published by Monsoon Books. He’s spent most of his adult life involved in social services, including a previous job in a large statutory organisation and volunteer work with an HIV/ AIDS group in Singapore, and a charity for the homeless in London. He currently works with a voluntary welfare organisation in Singapore.

An uncle to 5 beautiful girls, he also happens to be gay, and his own coming out story was included in “SQ 21: Singapore Queers in the 21^st Century”.